Parenting an Intelligent Child

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Every parent thinks their baby is bright, their child is special. But mine are. Truly! And parenting a child who is intelligent is, in my opinion, a much more daunting prospect.

When my first was born, I was determined that, unlike my mother, I was not going to say ‘because I said so’. I was very careful, whenever he asked me why, to explain all the reasons in as full a manner as I thought he could understand. So what did he do? As soon as he was old enough to figure all this out, he started arguing all the reasons I should do what he wanted instead of what I felt was best. I, foolishly, went along with this for a while, arguing my reasoning back with him, to which he’d counter argue and so on. Eventually, exhausted by the process, I found myself saying to him, “Look, I am the parent, and it’s my job to make these decisions. I have to make the best choice I can in the situation, and hey, it may even be the wrong one, but I can only do my best. And you must abide by my decisions because you are my child.” And then it hit me, that was a very fancy way of saying “Because I said so.” Terrific.

When my second child came along (also bright, of course) I found myself saying more often, “I’m sorry but that’s the way it is. I have to make the decisions and this is the one I’m making.” Still an elongated “Because I said so” but better in my opinion. And if they ask me to explain why, I will. However, I’ve had to be very clear with my oldest child, now a pre-teen, that ‘the why’ is not an avenue to negotiation; He can disagree all he likes, but the decision will stand.

Having said that, I do allow my children a chance to explain if they think I’m wrong. NOT to wear me down — No means no! — but to show me their side if they think either I didn’t ‘get it’ or else that my reasoning is faulty. Sometimes they’re right, and I change my mind.

For example, my oldest child wanted a later bedtime. He is 12 now, and he felt his bedtime should be later. I didn’t want this because I felt he his bedtime was age-appropriate. He said he really felt that he could handle it and wanted me to think about it again. So I let him explain, and he pointed out that he doesn’t seem to need as much sleep as some other kids his age, and he really wanted some uninterrupted time after his brother had gone to bed, so ‘me time’ for him without his younger siblings buzzing around, and only a half hour separated their bedtimes at that point. I thought that was a reasonable argument, so I did change my mind, and gave him a trial run on it. So far he’s been right, and the later bedtime stands.

These kids are definitely smart, and if I’m not careful, they can get the better of me. Not only do I have to make the best decisions possible, I have to out-think him the best I can as well!

The out-smarting thing is definitely important in my relationship with my middle son. He is slightly under-motivated in certain areas, like reading. Let me just say here, in my family we are Readers. (Capital letter intentional!) My husband reads a lot (both books and copiously on the Internet), I read every spare moment, and my eldest child is a prolific reader as well, although he came into it a bit late. Back to the middle child, so NOT a reader. He can read, and do it well. He just doesn’t seem to enjoy it. (I still have hope though — his brother was 10 before he started to read for enjoyment.) So, being good parents of a bright child who needs a bit of scholastic pushing, we got him a library card, took him to said library and watched while he checked out books. We instituted reading time, where we all read at the same time, and then we would quiz him afterwards about what he’d read to be sure he was taking it in. He answered the questions, but we noticed that, over time, the amount he was getting through in the allotted time was growing astronomically! Hhhmmmm… Yep you probably guessed it, the stinker was skimming chapter titles, learning the main character’s names, and then reading the last chapter so he could tell us how it ended! Sneaky!

And now we come to the third child, this one a girl. She’s not yet three, so you’d think I was off the hook with the smart thing, right? You couldn’t be more wrong. Not yet three and she knows all her alphabet, colours (even down to obscure ones like ‘beige’), numbers to 12 and she can talk rings around all of us, using very sophisticated vocabulary to do it! It doesn’t hurt that my mother-in-law quit her job as a teaching assistant to keep our daughter from the age of 6 months, but trust me, the kid is bright. And, oh joy, we are to the ‘Why?’ stage of nearly-three. I have explained why about everything from the need to wear socks under shoes, to the justification for her going to Nanny’s house while the boys and I go elsewhere everyday, (Even though she loves going to Nanny’s and wouldn’t really want to go anywhere else!) to the reason that people have belly buttons. Believe me, I have explained just about everything there is to explain! And still she asks ‘Why’!!!

As an aside, I once asked her why she asks ‘Why’ all the time. Her answer? “I don’t know, I just have to.” Profound that.

In my experience, parenting intelligent children is an exhausting and introspective process. I’m continuously having to think about how I talk to them, how to explain things from their perspective (You try explaining the British legal system to an inquisitive six year-old!) and then review how I’ve dealt with them. I’m also trying to think ahead to how the systems I put in place today may turn on me tomorrow! It’s definitely never easy.

But worth it? Oh yeah. Just talking to these wonderful small people who have fresh and amazing insights on the world, who never run out of things to tell me and who regale me with yet a 14th chorus of ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ (that’s the little one, mind, who knows all the words and doesn’t seem to understand when a song is over) is a wonderfully enjoyable experience. I just have to remember that during the times when the constant chattering and singing drives me crazy.